Defining Success for Your Child, with Stephen Porges, PhD

When we think about how to help our bright and quirky kids be successful in life, what does that really mean?  What is the end goal we're all working towards? Some would say career, education or happiness. Stephen Porges, PhD, originator of the Polyvagal theory, has something else in mind.  Take a listen to his pearls of wisdom.


To learn more about Dr. Porges' work, visit

Now we'd love to hear from you. What's bubbling up for you after hearing this vlog? Let us know in the comments section below!


  1. Diane+DeSloover on December 2, 2020 at 11:29 am

    Thank you for sharing this brief, but very insightful message today. As I homeschool my autistic 7th grade granddaughter I often fall into the trap of imagining the future and thinking about things like something I read the other day about 80% of autistic people being unemployed. That terrifies me when I think of my granddaughter’s huge social challenges. It was so good for me to hear today that perhaps the best thing I can offer her is not the lessons about science or history but the work we do in building our relationship and learning about ourselves in the process. Today she asked for a break so she could “think about something that was on her mind.” Afterwards she was ready to do her creative writing assignment. I asked her if it calmed her to do her thinking and she said that it just took away her distraction so she could then do her work better. Fantastic! I praised her for asking for the break and taking care of her needs. When we have moments like this I have hope for all the growth that awaits us. Thank you for affirming that we are on the right track.

    • Lauren+Hutchinson on December 3, 2020 at 3:01 pm

      Diane, your granddaughter is so lucky to have you in her life. It sounds like you intuitively understand Dr. Porges’ message that the the true measure of success is not in what we do or get done in life, but in the safe and trusting relationships with others. I love his message about optimizing (and choosing to the extent we can) our life experiences to make that happen!
      Lauren with the BQ team

  2. Ana Pinheiro on December 2, 2020 at 3:15 pm

    That is really beautiful. She is so lucky to have you 🙂

  3. Diane on December 2, 2020 at 6:46 pm

    That is a beautiful story. Self-monitoring is a goal I have for my 3rd grade boy. Looks to me like your grand-daughter is well on her way to attaining that important skill. She is lucky to have you!

  4. Mary on December 3, 2020 at 10:11 am

    I just love Dr. Porges perspective and I try to frame my relationship with my daughter like this daily! I also try to help other people frame relationships the same way! Practice practice!

    • Lauren+Hutchinson on December 3, 2020 at 3:07 pm

      Mary, I agree that this indeed takes practice and more practice! I know I don’t show up perfectly everyday, but I am working on it. Granting ourselves grace and compassion through the process can go a long way, as does modeling it for others. Your daughter is fortunate to experience this firsthand!
      Warm regards,
      Lauren with the BQ Team

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